Kingdom Farts
by burningnightmare 59
Summary: The Kingdom Hearts you know is a lie. This is the real story. Kingdom Hearts fans beware!
1. Of Firaga and Other Matters

_Kingdom Farts_

**Note:** While neither of the authors own _Kingdom Hearts_, both have played it and agree that we can't understand why anyone likes it. But this is a story. Enjoy it for what it is and _review!_

Chapter I: Of Firaga and Other Matters 

Sora walked along the beach of a small, and rather crummy, island. Being a boy of about five, the only thing he could ever think to do was ask his mommy what to do. However, also being the survivor of a shipwreck, his mommy wasn't there. Instead, he turned to the next best thing: his girlfriend, Kairi.

As he walked along the beach in his clown shoes and rust colored, dead porcupine hair, he gazed upon the great wooden empire he and the others had built. As he looked, a single thought came to his mind:

_Why is it that we can build that and not a boat?"_

However, this intelligent thought was quickly beat down by his dominant and much more stupid side, and he walked on.

His overactive hormones led him to the familiar hangout of his girlfriend, if you wish to call her that, considering that he hated her. As they sat on the beach, a crudely animated moon was reflecting off the waters, constantly reminding them of the fake world in which they lived. But, more on that later.

Sora drew up the nerve to ask Kairi a question, a question that he had wanted to ask for a very long time.

"Have you ever wanted to get away from here?"

"Yes," she replied. "But if we did, then there would be no story to tell, and our writers would kill us."

"Then let's throw in a plot twist. Will you marry me?"

"No. You're too old for me."

And that was that.

_Now on with the real story. And trust me, it's…um…different._

One peaceful day on the island, Sora was out playing in the ocean. He ran to the edge of the water, pulling off his shirt and shoes as he did, but only to several loud protests by the other characters. As he reached the shallows, he dropped a CD into his boom box he had made out of wood. But, out of that boom box came the loudest and most obnoxious sound he had ever heard.

_When you walk away_

_You don't hear me say-_

More than one brave islander gave his life in order to turn off that boom box, until finally, one with earplugs made of wood tossed a long range javelin made out of wood at it. He missed, but the idea was a good enough one to get the others to follow his idea. They all missed, but they made more javelins. They still missed. Finally, they sent Kairi (who was immune to obnoxious noises) to out scream the boom box, until it threw up the CD. The masses rejoiced.

Sora then replaced the CD with a new one (made out of wood). On it, the instructor gave the simple message of surviving life.

_Breathe in. Hate Kairi. Breathe out. Run away from Kairi._

And the masses rejoiced.

He must not have known how to swim, because he drowned at least five times. Finally, there was one time when he did not resurface. The world went dark, and a cloaked figure appeared before him.

"Who are you?" asked Sora.

"You must open the door, Sora."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Get used to it. It happens a lot in this game."

"What door?"

"That door," he said, pointing at the only brightly illuminated door.

"Which one?"

"The one I just pointed to!"

"I don't get it."

The robed man sighed exasperatingly. "Look, kid, just open the door, don't ask questions, and no one gets hurt."

"How?"

"Hold off on that. We're saving it for the ninth game. All I can tell you now is that you need to bash little black blobs over the head with a giant key along the way."

"That seems pretty stupid."

"Get used to it. It happens a lot in this game."

And with that, the robed man vanished, leaving Sora to his endless questions.

_Well? What did you think? Don't think it, review, now! Go!_


	2. Why Do We Even Try?

_Kingdom Farts_

Chapter 2: Why Do We Even Try?

_Hey! It's Burningnightmare 59. So, what did you think of the First Chapter? We'll try to keep it simple in the future. Anyway, review, please!_

So, Sora found the key in a very mysterious way. He was flirting with his ugly girlfriend Kairi, when the Keyblade fell out of the tree they were sitting under and knocked Sora out. And, of course, being the idiot Kairi is, she tried CPR.

"Ok, I've done this before…I think…Uh, push down on his chest like this- ugh! Squishy! Now, breathe into his mouth like this…"

Luckily, Sora then woke up.

Hey dodged what would have been a fatal blow to the mouth. Kairi went lips first into the sand. Sora's five year old legs moved as fast as they possibly could down to the water and dove in.

He swam out as far as he dared, and then a little more. He swam for an hour into the open ocean, but he still didn't feel safe. Finally, when his strength failed, he made it far enough to where he could no longer stand up.

He swam out with every intent to drown himself, but before he did, he looked back. Kairi was hot on his tail.

Sora's mind raced with panic and chaos. Out of the insanity finally came a sane thought:

_Forget swimming, I'm out of here!_

He then ran across the water to the other end of the island where he found his friend Riku. Riku was the leader, being an eight year old with gray hair.

Riku hailed him as he approached. "Hey, Sora."

"Hey."

"Were you running on water just now?"

"Yep."

"Oh. That's cool."

There was a brief silence before Riku spoke again.

"Why were you in such a hurry?"

Sora gulped. "Kairi was…was…trying to _kiss me!"_

The next several minutes were spent either fainting or retching all over the sand, for both of them. Not even Riku was mature enough to hold back. But, he was able to recover first.

"Hey Sora!"

"What Riku?"

"I built a boat!"

_It's about time,_ thought Sora's sane consciousness.

"I'm not sure what to call it," Riku continued. "What do you think about the _Ekscaliber?"_

"Don't you mean the _Excalibur?"_

"Oh, right."

"I think you should name it the_ AQU#O !mV."_

"What! That's the dumbest name I've ever heard! For this, you shall be my eternal rival!"

Sora bowed his head for a moment, then-

"So…will you take me out for a ride?"

"Sure."

_Well, hurry up and review. AQU#O !mV._


	3. This Stuff Smells Like Sprite!

Disclaimer I don't own Kingdom Hearts and proud to say I am not a fan and you can tell!

Hey its BurningNightmare with the next chapter to a story of truth that's right Kingdom Farts chapter 3! Anyway thanks to all our reviewers in no specific order... hEaRts, Paper Bear, J1111, misterfuzzums, and popclickfizz for the support now on to the story! R & R it's a way of life ohhhh yeah.

Chapter 3: This Stuff Smells Like Sprite

So after leaving port the boys sat there as they slowly drifted farther and farther away from their rundown island and after a few hours they realized something...

Sora: I'm hungry. I want food.

Riku: Yeah me too where are the supplies?

Sora: I thought you had them oh well.

Riku: Yea I guess we can live.

(A few days passed by when then they realized something else.)

Riku: Oh No!

Sora: What happened ?

Riku: We left Riku!

Sora: No we didn't you are right here.

Riku: Oh... Then oh no we left Kairi!

( Both look at each other for a second and start laughing hysterically)

Their laughter stopped as they saw the sky started to darken and the wind picked up...

Riku: Sora what the heck are you doing?

Sora: I'm playing monkey man wanna join me?

Riku: No. And don't swing on that rope it's keeping the sail up and in this storm we're toast. Hey are you listening to me!

Sora: (sticks finger in ear) Huh? I can't hear you I forgot to clean my ears before we left.

Riku: (screaming) Get down from there!

Sora: (jumps down) Fine then Meanie.

After the storm finally was over the clear blue sea was all that was in sight and Sora was bored so he did what any bored idiot would do...

Sora: Hey Riku look a magical love fruit. (Pointing towards water)

Riku: Where? (Looking frantically)

Sora: Fooled you! (Pushes Riku out of boat) Hee hee was that a funny joke?

Riku: Help me Sora there's a big boat coming this way! (Putting out hand)

Sora: You look funny you can't fool me there is no boat coming. (Tries to look smart)

Riku: Sora I'm begging you (gurgle) help me!

So Sora just sat there like a moron (what else is new?) Claiming he can't be fooled as the prison ship came closer and closer it finally collided with Riku's thick skull and started to sink. Obviously there was a cut on the budget for building these ships and a lone figure came out on the deck as the ship slowly sank and yelled in a high pitched voice...

Mysterious person: Darn you childrens! I'll be back and I will take back my identity.

So as Sora finally pulled Riku up tey both wondered what that was about but soon did not really care so they hoisted the sail and were off again.

So what did you think? Don't worry it will all be explained in good time. Read and Review it's a way of life!


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